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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee,
took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he
thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him
coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
.............................................................................................
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole.
Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys,
and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The
woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physio-therapist and offered
to help ease his pain. "I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he mumbled bravely as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help
him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning
to massage him."Does that feel better?", she asked."Fantastic", he replied,"but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
.................................................................................................
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf
club after
a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile
phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the
following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the shopping precinct around the corner from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful
leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I
buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only £1,000."
H - "Well,
OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2003
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me
a really good price...and since
we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only £60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I
stopped by the estate
agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, fantastic
garden,
acre of parkland, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only £450,000 - a magnificent
price...and I see that we have that much
in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
up to £420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men
are looking at him
in astonishment. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and
asks "Does anyone know who
this phone belongs to?"
......................................................................................................................
A golfer set up his ball on the first
tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees
he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit
him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you
a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged.
He asked the prison warden if he could take a few
practice swings first.
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A
young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
"Why back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee."
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole"
she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
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LOCKER
ROOM NOTICE
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
Form a loose grip
Keep your head
down
Avoid a quick backswing
Stay out of the water
Try not to hit anyone
If you are taking too long, please
let others go ahead of you
Don't stand directly in front of others
Quiet please...while others are preparing to go
Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal. Go outside and tee off!
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One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to
the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking
for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness,"
says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm
just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was
a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want
-- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life."
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same
leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money
holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred
pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your love life?"
The golfer looks
at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MacDermott and
MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day, thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing
rain beat against the windows.
The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys.
Finally, MacDermott spoke,
"That was quite a round of golf." "Aye," MacDuff replied. "Same time next Saturday?" "Aye," said MacDuff, "weather permitting."
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Last week we were playing this hole and one of the other guys
hit a humongous hook that hit a car's windshield. Not wanting to get in trouble we quickly finished the round. Coming up 18
we see a cop at the green. When we get there he asks, "Did any of you guys hit a hook on Number X". The culprit admits it.
The
cop then says, "Well your ball went through the windshield causing the 80 year old driver to have a heart attack and die."
The
culprit then asks the cop, "Well what should I do."
The Cop replies, "Well I would try opening my stance a little!"
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SOME PUB AND BEER JOKES TO KEEP YOU AMUSED !!
Two
drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks " Hey,
Stu, have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep" replies Stu, "I have been married to one for 10 years"
............................................................................................................................................
A brain went into a pub and says, "A pint of Lager, Please"
"Sorry
mate, but your'e already out of your head", replies the barman.
.............................................................................................................................................
An
Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a Pub, followed by a lesbian, a dog and a white horse....
The barman
says, " is this a joke or what"
.........................................................................................................................................
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants
"Is
that painful"?, asks the barmaid
"Its driving me nuts" the man replies.
..........................................................................................................................................
A
sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman and says " Pint of Lager please"
"Sorry mate", says the barman, "we don't
serve food in here"
...........................................................................................................................................
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says, " I'm afraid we don't serve mushrooms here".
"Why not? I'm a funny guy!"
............................................................................................................................................
Two
drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the other and slurs, " Is this Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So
am I" ,says the other drunk, "Lets go for a drink"
............................................................................................................................................
Lionel Richie goes into a pub and says, " Can I have a pint of
Guiness please?"
" No problem" says the barman, "but why the long face"
............................................................................................................................................
A
fit woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entedre - so he gives her one.
............................................................................................................................................
A
seal walks into a club.
............................................................................................................................................
A
dog with one leg walks into a Western Bar and says to the bartender, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw...."
............................................................................................................................................
Old
man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway
and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old
man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you,
but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her
apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out
three times to go to the men's room.
..........................................................................................................................................
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing
that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads
to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with
a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs
in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10.
It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes
the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations
are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. No one will remember your strip
act at the Christmas Party.
...........................................................................................................................................
A white horse walks into a pub and orders a drink. The barman,
with an astonished look on his face says "my god, we sell a drink that is named after you".
The white horse steps back
and says "you sell a drink called Jeremy ???"
...........................................................................................................................................
A
white rabbit walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman,(same barman
as before, obviously opened his pub beside a zoo), with a look of disbelief on his face, serves the rabbit his drink and crisps
and the rabbit strolls over to the corner of the pub and sits down.
The next day the white rabbit comes into the pub
again at the same time and orders a pint of lager and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman serves him and decides
to strike up a conversation with his new found furry customer. "I haven`t seen you in here before" he says. The rabbit replies
"I just started working round the corner and am on my lunch break". At that the rabbit goes and sits down in the corner just
as he had the day before.
The barman is now starting to see an oportunity to make some money for himself and decides
to tell a friend of his about the talking, white, lager drinking rabbit. The next day, same time, the white rabbit once again
walks into the pub and orders a pint of lager and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman serves him and says "I was
talking to a friend of mine about you last night. He works with the circus and would be very interested in giving you a job".
The rabbit looks up and replies "what the heck does a circus want with a plasterer" ???
.............................................................................................................................................
A man ( who, for the purposes of this story, we will call Jack)
walks into a pub. As he is sitting having a drink he decides that he is quite hungry. Seeing as the pub has it`s own restaurant
Jack decides to get a table and order lunch.
As he is sitting at his table looking at the menu he can`t help but notice
the most beautiful waitress that ever graced his eyes. She has long blonde hair right down to her perfectly shaped ass, a
figure to die for, absolutely beautiful eyes and the most wonderful smile imaginable. Jack falls instantly in love with the
beautiful waitress who, for the purposes of this story, we will call Pauline.
Anyway, as Jack is sitting pretending
to be looking at the menu while his eyes are really scanning the long legs of the beautiful Pauline, she walks over to his
table and asks "what can I get you sir" ? Jack, completely under her spell, stammers "I`d love a quickie". Pauline is not
at all amused by his answer and mutters "I will come back when you are ready to order". A couple of minutes later Pauline
comes back and asks Jack once again "are you ready to order now sir"? Jack, still with eyes that look as though they are trying
to escape from his head, replies "I really do want a quickie". Pauline has now had enough and slaps Jack hard across the cheek
before storming off.
A man sitting at the next table who has overheard the goings on turns to Jack and says "I think it
is pronounced QUICHE".
............................................................................................................................................
A
man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After being served he notices that the man standing beside him has his dog with him.
The dog is sitting down with one leg lifted licking it`s privates.
The man leans over and says to the dogs owner "i would
love to be able to do that". The dogs owner replies "If you ask him nicely he might let you".
............................................................................................................................................
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started
rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped
his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
...................................................................................................................
Joke Notices
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING
BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING
- BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE
TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY
IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS
CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS
WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE
USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT
UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP
LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
.....................................................................................................................
A man boards a plane and takes his seat. He glances up and
sees the most gorgeous woman boarding the aircraft. He soon realizes that she is heading straight towards him. A wave of nervous
anticipation washes over him as low and behold the woman takes the seat right next to him. Eager to strike up a
conversation,
he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago", she replies. Whooa!! He swallows hard and
is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's
going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs!!. Struggling to remain outwardly cool, he asks, "And what is your role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says," I use my experiences to debunk the popular myths about sex" Really?", he says, swallowing hard,
"and
what myths are those?" "Well, one popular myth is that African Americans are the most well endowed, when in fact it is the
Native American.
Another is that Frenchmen are considered the best lovers, when in fact it is Greek men who are the best
in bed ". Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, " here's me talking about
sex
and I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto", replies the man, extending his hand,
"Tonto Papadopoulos
.......................................................................................................................
This Joke is from Jane in Northampton
A woman is in the throes of giving birth, pain and exhaustion etched
into her face.
Her worried husband is trying to comfort her but there's nothing
he can do. There's a change of shift and the new midwife comes in and sees how unhappy the husband is.
"I've got a little tablet here that might just help your wife,"
she says.
Intrigued, the man asks what it is.
"Well, it's for expectant fathers. If you take it you can share
in a quarter of her pain".
The man agrees to help and takes the tablet but after a while feels
no difference.
"Ok," the midwife says, "I can give you another tablet and see if
that works."
The husband takes another tablet but still feels no pain.
"I don't know what you're going on about," he tells his wife. "I
can't feel anything!"
This time the midwife persuades him to take a third tablet that
would really hurt him but still no success and at the end as the woman is pushing the baby out and screaming he takes the
fourth and final tablet.
Soon it is all over and the couple rejoice in their new baby.
However, when they return home they are shocked to find the postman
dead on the doorstep...
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The following Joke has been sent in by Mike Scott
from Tasmania......... Thanks Mike
"The Golden Saloon"
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the heck have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden
floor, the works - heck, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is
this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge
golden doors?" "Sure do." says the bartender. "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in
your saxophone last night!"
......................................................................................................................
A crowded British Airways flight was cancelled.
A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you,but,I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have
a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the Air Canada agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fxxx You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that too!"
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